Lasting Relationships

Of all the misconceptions about love, the most powerful and pervasive is the belief that falling in love is love or at least one of the manifestations of love, -M. Scott Peck

People who are married or are in committed relationships live healthier, wealthier, and happier. So why do so many marriages end up in divorce?

The answers to these questions are plentiful, but the main reason is simple. It’s easy to “fall” in love, but very few people know how to stay in love. Even though staying in love is our “smartest” choice all the way around! Recent studies on marriage prove it’s one of the major ingredients in life-long success for men and women. It lengthens life, substantially boost physical and emotional health, and raises income over that of single or divorced people or those who live together. Marriage has also been found to boost happiness, reduce the degree of depression, and provide protection from sexually transmitted diseases. So let’s wake up, make up, and turn this trend around! One of the most startling pieces of evidence that shows people are not in touch with what’s really going on in their partnerships is the fact that the majority of people who file for divorce say they didn’t think there was a relationship-threatening problem just six months prior to breaking up. Another shocker is that most couples wait six years or more to seek professional help when their relationship is in danger. By the time they do wake up and smell the coffee, it’s often too late. Truly there is no reason to resign you to a bad relationship whether you’re dating or married. Rather when changing partners and ending up this same predicament again, you can learn to have a fabulous relationship with the partner you already have!

Getting rid of your partner does not get rid of the problem, because half of the “problem” is yours. You can walk out on your marriage, but you can’t run away from yourself, no matter how hard you try! Rather than blaming each other, couples can learn how to work as a team and coach each other through the troubled times and power struggles. To do this, you must create a “safe” relationship so you can express your needs and fears and effectively resolve anger and conflict. More relationships break up because people don’t know how to validate each other (that frustration escalates to become anger) than for any other reason. This is truly a shame, because the skills for “fighting fair” are very easy to master with just a little practice and patience.

One of the biggest causes to unresolved anger between people is a lack of understanding. Men and women have different strengths and weaknesses, different ways of expressing ourselves and different “childhood wound” that we’re trying to heal. While it may seem like we’re from different planets we are actually very much alike when it comes to our need and desire for love and intimacy. We only behave differently in our quests for closeness. Stop doing what you think is “fair” or “right” and start doing what works! It’s not about “working harder” it’s about “working smarter”. Couples can stay together only if they wake up their love and need for each other and make a conscious choice to commit to the relationship, move toward forgiveness, and stay together.

Dead ends are turning points

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